This is Me

So I've been thinking... I come here to write so that I can clear my head or to reminisce on good times, holidays, or milestones. The thing is...what I need to write about most is what is real. I've decided that from here on out, I will write exactly what I think or feel. I will not sugar coat anything and pretend that every day around here is a walk in the park or give you any false indication that I have everything together because I most certainly don't. I am a Christian, I was raised in church, I believe in what is right and I stand firm on my morals and beliefs but I so need to work on my relationship with God and rely on him more for his guidance. 

Just something I've been thinking about...Probably every time I leave this house I get so many compliments about how beautiful my children are and "how do you do it"? I'm told by so many that I am so blessed and I do know this but why can I see it but not always feel it? Why do I sometimes get down and feel like being a mother is not an important role. I will tell you honestly that I often feel like I am trapped in this role as a wife and mother and I hate it. Like it happened so quickly that I want to blame others (Jason). Like my life was chosen for me. "I have three kids and no life", says the selfish part of me. But by the grace of God and his beautiful creations and a random "I miss you", or hug and kiss from Noah and a sweet soft little "I love you Mommy" from my sweet girl as she curls up in the bed with me early in the mornings and scratches by back for no reason at all. Or my adorable little Eli who just crawls around entertaining himself and gives me the biggest grin with those cute little four teeth he has, I am reminded that to those kids, I am everything and for whatever reason God gave me those beautiful babies to raise and mother. I need to learn to love it because one day it will be gone. I will look back as if I was holding a handful of sand on a windy day. I won't ever get it back. Ever. I can't bottle it up and let it loose after I get my crap together. They will never be this little again. I do not want to live my life with regrets. The choices that I make now will affect me and them forever. The people that they will become, the lifestyle they will live, the choices that they will make, and the way they choose to uphold their own families. When I say that, I think Wow, how can I think my role is not important? I am in charge of three little lives. Not only providing for them and watching over them but teaching them and guiding them in their daily life and the decisions they will make. That is definitely an achievement that will be greatly rewarded by God himself one day and a legacy honored by many. I'm so thankful that I can see and admit what I need to work on. I realize where I fail and what I need to work toward. If there is anything I know I'm doing right, it's that I pray for my children daily. I ask that God will bless them in every aspect of their life.   

-Rachel